Affirmations as Art

Back in November, I drafted this post, and I never published it because there was something wrong with the formatting, & I was too perfectionistic to share it "un-perfectly." But I think I will just share it. :) Email if you want copies of these quotes to print out. :)

I was just reading this Ensign article, and I loved the messages about the lies in our thoughts, and how to correct them. Some of those are just the ones I struggle with. I was inspired to create some artistic arrangements of the quotes from the article. I'm not the best at this, but I just think this type of thing is so much fun. I printed them out & put them around my house where I will see them often.

Too Busy Cooking to Take Photos But...

I stole these photos from my cousin, Staci & her husband, Ryan, who came to visit us for Thanksgiving. Everything was pretty good, but I learned some things (the hard way) about keeping stuff from getting too dry in the oven. It was fun to be a host this year!

I need to share my favorite surprise, though. I don't usually do cranberry sauce or anything like that. But this year we had homemade Cranberry Sorbet with our ice cream maker. It totally hit the spot. Especially when it's a little more enjoyable to have something light and tart when you're so full instead of more stuff that is super rich & heavy (but I don't think I'll stop making pies, though. It seems a bit un-American!)

Cranberry Sorbet (adapted from Essential Mormon Celebrations Cookbook)

2 cups (1/2 pound) fresh cranberries

1 1/2 cups water

1 cup sugar

1 1/2 teaspoons cran-raspberry jello powder

1/4 cup cold water

Juice of 1 lemon

In a saucepan, cook cranberries in 1 1/2 cups water over medium heat until skins pop. Press through sieve or strainer (You are trying to achieve a very light puree. Don't skip this step & try doing it in the blender because your sorbet will be grainy if you do.) Add sugar and stir until dissolved. Soften gelatin in cold water, about 5 minutes. Add to warm cranberry puree and stir. Cool. Stir in lemon juice. Place mixture into an ice cream maker and allow it to do its magic until the mixture starts turning light pink and is the consistency of soft serve ice cream. Transfer to another container and freeze.

Hope your Thanksgiving was great! Did you have any funny mishaps in the kitchen? :)

I just can't keep things a surprise

I've been hesitating to share these because some of you will see one of these as our Christmas card, but we got our pictures taken with the extended family in Utah this past August, and they turned out really well. Might I recommend Susan Richins Photography to any of you in Utah? One thing I liked about her was not only did she have the expertise & equipment to take beautiful photos, but she was good at coaching us to stand a certain way, or got our kids to stop fake smiling, so we ended up liking the finished products. She sent me these that I could share on the web.

Which do you think would make a good Christmas card?

Create

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf speaking to the women of the church: "The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. You don't need money, position, or influence in order to create something of substance or beauty."

I came across this little Mormon Messages video at a very timely moment. I had heard a little while ago that if you pay attention to your dreams, they are actually telling you about a part of yourself that you may be suppressing, and it is fighting to get free. So when I did this for the past three days, the first night I dreamed of one of my mom's aunts, Vesta Crawford, who was close to me like a grandma. She was a published writer, poet and researcher. For me, I think this symbolizes how much I enjoy writing. The second night I dreamed about brightly colored chalk and crayons. Hmmm- I wonder what that could symbolize? Last night I dreamed about family photos. I really think it means scrapbooking. If this kept going, I wonder if night after night I would just keep dreaming about sewing, home decorating, dancing... and on and on! :) Then today I saw this video and it was just all too fitting. This believer in serendipity thinks it's a direct message from God to me.

Creativity has always been a part of my life, but lately trying to take care of myself & my family has taken all my time & energy. I didn't realize until now that taking a little time for creativity could be a part of taking care of myself. And President Uchtdorf's words are so encouraging. Well, this is my attempt to go ahead and go down this path- I blogged! I know it's been a while, but hey- I obeyed the dreams & I started writing. We'll have to see what else I can do to make the creative muses feel more comfortable around here.

Aargh. Ugh. Ewwww!!!

I have had a BAD day.

The usual people I vent to (my mom & sister) were not answering their phones, so I decided to vent this to you all!!

Well, as is often the case, I set myself up for failure by staying up too late reading the Twilight Saga (just finished New Moon and starting Eclipse... I'm a Jacob Fan... anything else you want to discuss about Twilight? :)

I vaguely remember yelling down to Eli from my bedroom to go ahead and leave for the bus. I was that tired this morning.

Mia and I headed off for the gym, and THAT part of my day was great. I did my intervals on the elliptical, and I did great! I went 2.61 miles, 32 minutes, average heart rate 147, peak heart rate 180,* calories burned 698. (Loving my No Excuses Workouts Software.) It felt really good. I was sweating my butt off, remembering a quote I read once inside an athletic wear store, "It's not sweat, it's your fat cells crying." So there you go.

I decided to get smoothies for Mia and I so I could have some post-workout protein. So we head out to the car & I had my hands full of stuff, load Mia in the car and promptly drove off with my smoothie on the roof of my car!!!!!! :(

The other problem was that it was SO HOT! Or at least it felt significantly more humid & oppressive than the past few beautiful days. I just couldn't breathe & I felt nauseous. I hate summer for that reason. I start to feel claustrophobic and I hate the heat. Plus a lot of added stress related to having the kids home all the time and the pressure to entertain them in the dreaded blasted heat and ... oh I could go on. But I think it's also something biochemical with me. And because it somehow validates my suffering, I found some articles on that here, here, and here if you're at all curious or interested.

Mia and I also stopped by Eli's school on the way to the gym for something PTA related. It brings to mind that I'm so stressed out with the PTA. It's something I'm committed to that I want to get out of. I am trying to figure out a way to not be in charge next year of the things I'm in charge of this year. It has taken way too much of my time. I'd rather volunteer on a case by case basis when I have time. You know? I really want to make sure I'm involved, but not trapped into more than I bargained for. This is a really bad time for me to be lessening the amount I can do for the PTA because we just had a boundary change with the elementary schools in the area that leaves us with almost zero PTA. It's really sad, actually.

Then honestly because I was beginning to feel horrible emotionally & physically from the heat, I considered not bringing Eli to his tennis class. And you guessed it, I didn't listen to myself. I went & regretted it. My plan was to let him go to his class while I sat in the air conditioned car. Well, I'm taking some medication because I just got diagnosed with PCOS, and my stomach started imploding (dang side effects of Metformin, or maybe I really did have heat stroke?). I spent the next 30 minutes in the bathroom, barely able to walk out and say to Eli he needed to grab his racket and leave early.

Other highlights to the day: a fight with the pediatrician's office's administrator- her saying they never give antibiotics for tick bites. Me saying a friend of mine got antibiotics from a pediatrician at your office and urged me to make this call because it was a necessary prophylactic step against Lyme disease! Anybody know any pediatricians I can go to?

Luckily, Chris was home early enough to take Mia to her dance class, so I didn't have to hang out the whole time in the bathroom at the dance studio. And he was also an angel and made dinner. I was so starving from not having eaten lunch and not having kept down any of my breakfast. But guess what we found in his beautiful stir fry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A beetle!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and can I cheat and add something sucky that happened yesterday? ANOTHER woman at church asked me if I was expecting a baby. Nope. No baby!! No baby!!! And more abuse, too. She was like, "Well, are you done having kids?" "I don't know, but I'm done having this conversation! Good bye!" Just that morning I was celebrating the milestone of 17 pounds lost... And the timing of that...

So I'm definitely not going to end this bad day by eating cookies & sweet rolls like I want to. Oh ok, I'll admit it's partially because my stomach is killing me! What do you all do to make yourselves feel better after extremely sucky days?

*I wear a heart rate monitor on my wrist to follow an interval plan. The No Excuses Workout System personalizes a plan for you like "Warm up for 5 minutes at heart rate 142, then do an interval for 4 min. at 157, then rest for 2 min. at 142, etc." Don't worry. I have a high anaerobic threshold (AT). I'm not headed for the ER or anything. :) The AT means the heart rate where your perceived exertion is at an 8.5 on a scale of 1 to 10. That's only for your last interval. I did accidentally go a little above my threshold of 172 because I just felt so good. It's probably a good thing. :)

Put it to a Vote

Which hair style do you like best on our little 6 year old Eli?

Choice A) How he's had it for a long time. This style came about because Eli's hair is the same texture as the straw at the end of the broom that you sweep with. Longer hair just always looked so unkempt on him.


Choice B) This style came about because Eli said all his friends have BANGS. Couldn't he please have longer bangs, and just keep the sides short? So we let the top grow out a bit, but it's high maintenance. No more of this rolling out of bed & straight to school. This style was my attempt to spike the bangs in the front. His hair is really thick & the gel was just not holding it up as much as I'd like, but you get the idea...

Choice C) The ever-popular faux-hawk. The past few weeks we've had to really build Eli's courage to wear this style to school. I tried to point out all the little boys with this style at church, but he doesn't completely believe me. I know he feels self-conscious. But it's cute, though, right?

Choice D) Because "longer bangs" are higher maintenance, we have been trying to teach Eli how to comb his hair by himself. He can't do the faux hawk or the spiky bangs. This is what he comes up with:


Choice E) This is not a great photo, but Chris knows how to comb Eli's hair really well. I think Chris' hair is similar texture, and he can comb it really well, like a little handsome dude. The bangs are spiked here, but just picture something a long the lines of a side part and clean cut cuteness. :)



Take the survey on the left sidebar (you guys who subscribe in a reader will actually need to come to the blog website) & let your vote count! :)

Quick Follow Up

I thought you all would want to know Mia had such a great couple weeks after all my worries! I think it helps that I decided to start driving her every day & picking her up. I think both Mia and the teacher somehow subliminally do better with this set-up.

Also, the one-on-one time at home is so helpful. When we don't do it, she backslides. So it's a must for her every day.

Then her little Social Skills class started last week. I think this will help because the teachers are psychologists & notice little things.

Making sure she gets plenty of sleep is ALWAYS on the checklist. Believe me! :)

Also after Spring Break, when I first brought Mia back, I talked frankly with her teacher and told her I thought Mia did better with POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT & could she keep doing that, but no more yelling. I said that yelling didn't work for us at home & next time she had problems with Mia, could she please, please be more gentle. To the teacher's credit, I think she is doing better with this. I know from experience that yelling is a hard habit to break. I also talked to the directors of the preschool and let them know that I was not thrilled about the yelling. So that's all I can do. One day at a time! But overall, I'm breathing a lot easier about it.

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Emelia?

I told my mom the following story about Mia's day in preschool the other day and she laughed and laughed and begged me to write it down... So here's my attempt! :)

My kids don't get to see their grandparents that often, but Mia already has a reputation with my mom. The last time my mom spent time with Mia at a family reunion, she was always getting in trouble. She put sand down my mom's shirt at the beach, continually got into my makeup and lotion, and once when my mom wasn't looking, poured maple syrup on floor, smiling sweetly when my mom turned around. In reaction to my mom's horror, Mia picked up the pepper shaker & shook some pepper onto the mess like a little garnish.

Well, I had a warning that she had been having a few problems in her preschool class when we had our parent conference and Ms. Janice mentioned she does have a problem hitting other kids at times & being too aggressive when things make her mad. Oh, and she is a messy eater! Ok that's not news to us. We just shook our heads and said. We know. We don't know what to do. We're trying to work with her.

The next conversation with Janice was after Mia had been sick for a week. She came back to school on a Friday. I picked her up and the teacher said she had some problems that day and didn't want to talk about it in front of Mia, so she would call me. It turned out she had had several meltdowns and bent someone's fingers back and been in time out several times. She was so devastated about being in time out that she was just bawling. The teacher wanted to know if anything was going on at home that might be causing her to act extra bad like this. Ummm, no. Besides the fact that we're not perfect parents, life is pretty average, even above average. But I said that I thought she might at times do bad behavior to get attention, so Chris and I were beginning a campaign of one-on-one time so we could give her some positive attention. And whenever I do this, it works pretty well and I see a good change in her behavior. I said I thought time outs didn't work for her & the teacher agreed. Ms. Janice said she would try to sit down with her once in a while and maybe do something Mia enjoys like crafts.

Chris and I talked about it and decided to step up the "Special Mommy Time" & "Special Daddy Time." We even keep her up past her bedtime because we have noticed such a good change. So I thought we were home free! Nope.

At the end of this last preschool week, my friend who I carpool with dropped her off and said, "Mia apparantly had a horrible day. Ms. Janice is going to call you." And this is a run down of what poor Mia's day was like:

• She got a treat from story time. When she got back to class the teacher's assistant asked her to put it in her cubbie. Mia said, "No. I don't have to." The assistant said, "If you don't we will take it away." Mia said, "Give me my treat RIGHT NOW!!" And then Ms. Janice stepped in & asked her to put it away and Mia said, "Ok, Whatever!" with full-on teenage flair. I think she might have had to serve a time out.
• At music, apparantly the teacher asked her to do something & Mia said, "no, I don't have to." Lovely.
• At lunch, Mia didn't like her sandwich, so she threw it on the floor. Ms. Janice asked her to pick it up. Mia looked at her and then STOMPED ON IT!!! As if to say, "Sandwich? Here's what you can do with the sandwich!" Ummmmmm Ms. Janice didn't take to that too kindly. She is pretty stern with the kids & uses quite a loud voice sometimes. She made Mia pack up her lunch to eat later at home and sent Mia to the Director's office for a BIG time out. Mia was so mad that her lunch was being taken away that she started a huge tantrum and threw her chair. Now putting on a show for the rest of the class, it went back and forth like a big power struggle between Mia and Ms. Janice. Mia didn't want to go to the office, and I guess Ms. Janice pretty much dragged her there: "You can't make me." "Yes, I can." (The stomping part is what my mom got a big kick out of. ) :)
• Well, there are toys in the office & Mia thought she was there to play. Well, Ms. Janice said the office staff reported that she sassed them, too, when they told her she couldn't play, but needed to sit in time out.

Again I got the question, "What is going on at home?" just like "You've got to be doing something wrong to produce this kind of craziness." She called Mia the "M" word (manipulative.) I was kind of wondering where all this was leading. Are they going to kick her out of preschool?

Luckily, the teacher seemed willing to brainstorm with me. She said Mia may be feeling a lack of control of her world and so Janice would be willing to try to give her more choices now and then throughout the day. She gets there late every day & misses her Free Play. So that might be something we can try and fix. And to ask Mia if there were certain activities she'd like to do at preschool, maybe Janice could let her choose some things like that. I thought it was nice that the teacher was willing to do all those things to try and help.

One thing occurred to me later that I didn't think to mention to Janice. Eli has the opposite problem, and we have been coaching him a lot to be more assertive: "If you have to go to the bathroom, don't be afraid to ask! Don't be afraid of the grown-ups. If you really have to go, you're allowed to ask them to go." Some kids were bothering him on the playground and Eli had to go to the school's counselor to get extra assertiveness training. We were role playing & coaching Eli to say, "Stop that! I don't like that!" In a really loud bold voice. Maybe Mia took too many notes from that???? I don't know!

So I talked to Mia and let her know she had to be obedient and listen to her teachers. But I'm terrified to send her back knowing that it's hard to take a label off a child once you have it in your mind that "This kid is trouble." And I also think my heart would break if she had another terrible day like that. I'm sure she probably deserved it, but I don't like to think of her being yelled at and humiliated. As her mom, yes, I see her worst, but I also see her at her best and there are so many things that are fantastic, sweet, beautiful and praiseworthy about her.

So what do I do with this problem? Any ideas????????????????????

My mom had ZERO ideas. She said pull in the big guns professional help. I am hoping to sign her up for a "social skills" class that deals with emotions, dealing with her friends and conflict resolution. It sounds a lot like what Mia needs. I may also try to get a consultation with the owner (developmental psychologist) as well. We took a class from her a little over a year ago, but obviously we flunked because THIS is all happening in poor Mia's life.

Just look at this face. Would you have thought this sweet munchkin-angel capable of all this trouble?

Reaching For Hope

I just found out that my aunt died. My mom's sister, Bonnie Christensen.  She was found dead in her home today. Possibly a suicide. She had attempted so many times. It’s heartbreaking news. And I find myself in need of some good news today. And I suddenly realized that the good news was my own good news.  But not the Relief-Society-Good-News-Minute kind of good news.  If you read blogs for that kind of news, today’s not the day to find it here. 

But I have to say that my aunt’s passing prompts me to do what I already felt prompted to do, which is share my own depression story, even though it’s difficult for me. And I want to say at the outset- it has a good ending! But I have nightmare visions of friends of mine reading this and then having crazy reactions, like, “Ooh. She has anxiety disorder.  We probably shouldn’t invite her to the movies.” Or “Now that I know this, I don’t want her babysitting my kids because she’s sketchy.” 

I hope that my being candid can create awareness so that victims, family & friends of this ILLNESS (they really need to find a different term than depression- something like Frontal Lobe Hippocampus Cellular Atrophy) might be a little more equipped to fight it.  It’s a drop in the bucket of the awareness that needs to happen. I don’t know what went wrong with my aunt’s situation. I know she was hurting so much for so many years. Because the depressive-illness monster is so personal to me, and I have had a glimpse of what she may have been battling, her loss is even more sad to me.  I hate the thought of anyone experiencing the type of pain depression brings, even to a much smaller degree, and that is why I want to share this. Everyone should know that it can be overcome.

As you probably noticed, I took a break from blogging for a while, and a dear friend wrote to me out of concern & I have posted our correspondence below.

Dear Natalie,
 
I just recently learned that "clinical depression" is something very different from the mere discontent of people who carelessly use the words depressed and depression when life doesn't happen the way they planned it. I have friends and relatives who become "depressed" - and mean and bitter -  when they work home taking care of their infants, and heal the moment their one year olds are hauled to some crowded day-nursery, women who are "depressed" when living at rent and using public transportation - and again healing immediately after getting a house and mortgage and a car. I sincerely apologize for thinking that you were one of those ladies, for I did not know that there is a real depression, and that the real depression is a chemical imbalance in ones brain, which imbalance indeed makes all seem gloomy and hopeless without the poor victim of the illness having a say. I am sorry you have to suffer such an affliction, and MAD that some vain ladies are using the same word when simply whining and covering up the weakness of character and lack of dignity!
 
You haven't written your blog for awhile - I hope all is well. Natalie, I think you are a real hero hanging on there and doing humbly and courageously the right things, though life truly is harder for you than for some other sisters. In my stunted little existence I have no patience and empathy for whiners, but to you I do have, and not only empathy, but respect as well.
 
 - hanna

.............................................................................................. 

Hanna,

Thanks so much for your note. I know there is a perception in the world and even (or should I say especially?) in the church that if you are not happy, you are sinning/whining/not doing all you should. The past few years I have read a TON of books about depression & I get frustrated with some of those false perceptions and I have even had them before!  

But at the same time, I'm definitely not upset with myself because I am working SO HARD on trying to heal. And I'm actually happy and proud of myself for doing this.  It's become my hobby & is part of the reason I don't find time to blog-- because all my time, whenever I'm not taking care of my home, husband & kids-- is devoted to getting healthier, mentally & physically (which both effect each other, almost a direct correlation!)

I have been clinically depressed, and now diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder & panic disorder and also obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).  When I first realized something was wrong with me, Mia was about 1 year old (but I should have realized earlier because I now remember it started clear back at the end of my pregnancy with Mia- I was uncontrollably crying every day during that 9th month), and I started getting medicine prescribed in 2005, but no talk therapy.  Actually, I tried, but I wasn't satisfied with my therapist & didn't feel it was helping or worth all the money we were paying. 

So the medicine- between 2005 & 2006 I tried 8 different medicines that were prescribed for me & some worked for a bit, then stopped working, and some didn't work at all.  So in the spring of 2007, I gave up the medicine & went to an LDS church member therapist and she is wonderful. She helped us with our marriage (because obviously, when I don't feel well, it's hard on Chris, and it puts a strain on our family life, but things are so much better now), and she has helped me progress a lot and learn coping methods.  

Plus I am doing cognitive behavioral therapy(CBT) partially via the professional therapist, but also a book called, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Revised and Updated by David Burns and that has helped me so much that I've read it twice now, and I'm reading it again, & intend to never stop until I memorize that thing! :) I read it a bit every night with my scriptures!  There is research that CBT can literally change your brain chemistry almost as effectively as medicine.  Also, for the anxiety, I am now trying a few herbal remedies.  David Burns also has a book on Anxiety/Panic that I really need to get & see if that is as helpful as his other book was for me.

I've been spending a TON of effort on nutrition & exercise, but it's hard.  This whole thing has been a dark, dark trial in my life.  I've had so many priesthood blessings, I can't even count them.  There is no doubt in my mind that my brain chemistry is bogged down with problems. My mom, brother & both sisters have all been on anti-depression medication at some point in their lives.  And right before my dad died, he was going through a depression, too! (He died of a heart attack, luckily nothing to do with the depression.) My mom's mom, and of course, sister struggled with this. 

I never wanted to commit suicide, but at some of the lowest points, I couldn't stop saying to myself over and over, "I just want to die."  The emotional pain I was feeling was so strong, and like I say, I never wanted to hurt myself, but I could totally understand some people's minds who are called, "cutters," who cut themselves with razors (and there are other types of self-injury problems) because the emotional pain is so strong, you feel desperate to escape it, even enough to give yourself physical pain instead to take your mind off the emotional pain.  I would feel some days such a heavy darkness around me & every thought was so negative, that I knew they weren't my own thoughts.  And the most ironic part of this is that I was hiding it all from the world!  I would go to church with this huge smile on my face.  I was in the Relief Society presidency, having people over to my home all the time, putting on all these Enrichment activities, then coming home and crashing in secret.

And luckily, that is all in the past now.  I'm doing so much better!!!!!!  My "low" points are no big deal, when I think back to how it was before.  Don't get me wrong, things are still hard occasionally, but at least I'm aware of triggers, and therapies.  Just a month ago, something triggered a relapse into depression & I was crying in my room for 2 hours.  But at least at the end of that 2 hours, I got out a notebook and started working on my CBT and I came out of it!  Before, that depression may have lasted 2 weeks instead of 2 hours.  

One big difference between now and the past is that before, I only got help when my emotional problems were hurting my husband or children.  Now I'm getting help because I love myself & I know I don't deserve to feel that way.  I'm learning that some attitudes I've had for years (like pleasing people or being addicted to love & praise or feeling guilty and mentally beating myself up & saying such mean things to myself in my thoughts or feeling like everything has to be perfect/"all or nothing"...) are no longer acceptable & I have to work on changing them. 

Now I'm just working on the anxiety part of things (another good website I've been learning from is www.thehatchedegg.com).  My goal is to get to the point where I'm not waking up in the morning feeling afraid, panicked & anxious for no reason (this paralyzes me & I want to stay in bed the whole day).  Or I'll be saying my prayers at night & I'll start this obsessive terrible worrying about all the things I was praying for and I'll stay up all night worrying about it, all the while trying to stop thinking about that, but I absolutely can't (this is part of the OCD).  Depressed peoples' brains get literally addicted to negative thoughts, and without some sort of intervention like medicine or therapy, you just keep downward spiraling worse and worse.

So I'm so happy to be getting the help I need now.  Oh, also this sweet lady named Marla Cilley (www.flylady.net) is a coach to women who are trying to be better homemakers & I listen to her radio show a lot and get her emails & that is helping me, too because  she is all about trying to avoid perfectionism and trying to LOVE AND RESPECT YOURSELF!!!  Her nickname is FLYLady, and FLY stands for Finally Loving Yourself.  Cool, huh?  :)

Besides the time factor, I have to admit the anxiety/OCD, etc. is probably partially to blame for me not blogging.  But feel free to follow me on twitter (www.twitter.com/tryingtofly) or (www.twitter.com/nataliecardon).  I'm actually considering using this note to you as a blog post because I wonder if a lot of my friends could use an honest explanation to what's going on with me.  There was such a loneliness when I couldn't share any of this.  Even my mom & sister who are my best friends & know how it feels to be depressed still felt uncomfortable hearing again and again how awful I was doing for these 4 years and that I'm still struggling.  

Even I hate listening to people talk about their depressions, but I find that it's not as heavy to listen to when I learn that they are actively working on getting better & not just staying in denial or showing an unwillingness to do the work that it takes to get better.  And I actually think that almost everyone could work on being more positive in general and having healthier attitudes towards the world.  I think everyone should read "Feeling Good."  It is seriously my favorite book. :)

I know that when this is a little farther behind me & I can see all the progress I've made, I will realize what all I've learned from it and be grateful for having that trial.  And even now, still somewhat in the midst of this trial, I would much rather have this than so many other things that could go wrong in one's life.  I do still have such an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

Thank you for being such a benevolent friend and for cheering for me from such a long distance.  :)  I'm cheering for you, too, even though I don't know what all you are going through, but I know & believe that it has been tough for you, too.  Thank goodness, too, that we have a Savior who knows us & loves us and that love truly never fails and will truly conquer all.

XO,
Natalie

 ....................................................................

Natalie,
 
Thank you for taking the time to educate me through your wonderful letter. I did not know how life consuming the illness can be! It's amazing how far you have already come through perseverance and self education and exercise!
 
These words of yours are so true: "Even I hate listening to people talk about their depressions, but I find that it's not as heavy to listen to when I learn that they are actively working on getting better & not just staying in denial or showing an unwillingness to do the work that it takes to get better" .
It really is not hard to stand by a sufferer - even throughout life - when you see that she/he is doing her/his very best to get better, or to manage life despite the difficulties. Your husband and children must be very proud of you Natalie : )
 
Now I'll go and investigate the twitter and the flylady : ) 
 
 - hanna

 ......................................

And my husband IS proud of me. I shared these emails with him, and this was his response:

 ..........................................

Natalie,

You are lovely, loyal, likable, lovable.  I'm proud of you for all you have accomplished in the past few years. 

I see the hope you display in this email and it elevates my hope and I know there will be better days.

I love you.


Chris

 ......................................

And the most amazing thing is that better days sometimes come sooner than you thought possible.  Since I wrote this letter I have found almost a MIRACLE supplement. It has pretty much erased all my symptoms of depression, anxiety, panic & OCD.  Unbelievable, I know. It may not work forever, since as I mentioned, medications tended to work for a short time, then poop out on me.  But this is called INOSITOL and in the vitamin B complex. It started to work for me 5 MINUTES after I took it.  It’s been about a week & I seriously feel like a new person. Completely back to myself. I’m not even kidding. I am having a great time getting reaquainted with the old me that was able to enjoy things, have a sense of humor, be in a good mood, etc.!  I feel like I've risen from the dead.  I almost erased the entire part of this post that had to do with anxiety because I’m not struggling with it anymore. What a blessing & a miracle. And even if it does poop out on me, I have built a foundation of knowing how to fight the anxiety & depression without medication.  I have to add that 5-HTP also helps me. 

If you are struggling with depressed feelings or suffering from anxiety or panic attacks, take time to educate yourself. Read articles on the internet. Read “Feeling Good.” And there are a lot of other good books out there.  Here is a mini online version of a depression assessment questionnaire. You deserve to feel better. Therapists are not just for the really super ill/deranged. Get rid of the stigmas attached to therapy and anti-depressants!  You wouldn’t say to your friend that has diabetes or asthma or epilepsy or something: “She has a character flaw. She shouldn’t take that medication because she has brought it on herself. If she were making better choices she wouldn’t have asthma.” Don’t say or think this about others who are depressed, and don’t say it about yourself. Depression is a real disease, and you should get help BEFORE, and I mean LONG BEFORE it gets to the point where you need hospitalization.

And the final thought I have is the same one I had, the last time one of my family members died (my dad in 2001.)  Isn’t it a blessing to be alive? How thankful I am for the sun on my face, my beautiful husband and kids around me, so much ahead of me to experience and live.  Especially to those of you who are lucky enough to have a plentiful supply of serotonin in your healthy brain, go enjoy it! To all of you: Live life to the healthiest and happiest you can!

Again, to all of you, blog readers: Take care of yourselves! You are precious & loved. 

XO 

Natalie

Finally, one last note. This blog title is inspired by a great book by two LDS women, Meghan Decker and Betsy Chatlin, that gives a great overview of depression in general, and a fantastic LDS perspective. It's called: Reaching For Hope : An LDS Perspective on Recovering from Depression

Happy Birthday To Me

Top 10 reasons I hate having a birthday near Christmas:

1. If someone gets me flowers for my birthday, it's a poinsetta.
2. Yeah, don't even talk to me about the wrapping paper & cards that I get!
   
3. Growing up, the parents and g-parents were all out of money right after Christmas. Brother & sisters would get $20 on their birthdays, but on mine, sorry, here's $1.
4. Or people do a 2-fer: here's your Christmas SLASH birthday present/card.
   
5. Everyone is out of town when you try to invite them to your parties.
   
6. Something about having your thunder stolen by Christmas AND New Years parties.
   
7. No outdoor birthdays, EVER!
8. You feel like you have to apologize to people for causing them stress when they thought they were done with holiday stress. (Excuse the heck out of me for being born when I was!)
   
9. No cupcakes at school.
10. Suspect people of fishing the birthday present out of the Christmas present pile. (Hey! That's probably a regift!)

But on a more positive note, for the last 8 years, it's been more fun. Because I found my soul mate who was also born near Christmas, and we can empathize to make each others' birthdays more fun, and a lot of the time, we celebrate our half birthdays in June. Also, my birthday is almost like a New Year's Eve for me. I can think about the past year and what I want the next one to be like. I sure hope this year is full of progress in my health- mental and physical. I sure have been working hard at it. I just want to see some of the fruits.

Back in July of this year, the Memory Tag/Meme was going around the blogosphere. But I have saved it for all this time to do what my sister-in-law did- to use it as my birthday post. I turn 37 on Monday, and for my birthday, I am asking you to write me a memory of you and me. (i.e. like a first impression, time we were together, something funny or anything to spark my memories to come back:)) You can post them here or email it to me. It should be fun to read. Thanks, in advance.

The strongest back in our home

Pile me on the top of there, too, to portray more accurately all the people Chris supports. I am so grateful for his physical and emotional strength and generosity. He is too good to be true, sometimes. It's Chris' birthday today, and I just wanted to talk about how much I appreciated him. Love you, Chris!!