Friday, February 5, 2010
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Too Busy Cooking to Take Photos But...
I stole these photos from my cousin, Staci & her husband, Ryan, who came to visit us for Thanksgiving. Everything was pretty good, but I learned some things (the hard way) about keeping stuff from getting too dry in the oven. It was fun to be a host this year!
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Natalie C.
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4:33 PM
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Labels: Recipes
Sunday, October 18, 2009
I just can't keep things a surprise




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Natalie C.
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10:25 PM
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Thursday, August 20, 2009
Create
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf speaking to the women of the church: "The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. You don't need money, position, or influence in order to create something of substance or beauty."
I came across this little Mormon Messages video at a very timely moment. I had heard a little while ago that if you pay attention to your dreams, they are actually telling you about a part of yourself that you may be suppressing, and it is fighting to get free. So when I did this for the past three days, the first night I dreamed of one of my mom's aunts, Vesta Crawford, who was close to me like a grandma. She was a published writer, poet and researcher. For me, I think this symbolizes how much I enjoy writing. The second night I dreamed about brightly colored chalk and crayons. Hmmm- I wonder what that could symbolize? Last night I dreamed about family photos. I really think it means scrapbooking. If this kept going, I wonder if night after night I would just keep dreaming about sewing, home decorating, dancing... and on and on! :) Then today I saw this video and it was just all too fitting. This believer in serendipity thinks it's a direct message from God to me.
Creativity has always been a part of my life, but lately trying to take care of myself & my family has taken all my time & energy. I didn't realize until now that taking a little time for creativity could be a part of taking care of myself. And President Uchtdorf's words are so encouraging. Well, this is my attempt to go ahead and go down this path- I blogged! I know it's been a while, but hey- I obeyed the dreams & I started writing. We'll have to see what else I can do to make the creative muses feel more comfortable around here.
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Natalie C.
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Monday, June 8, 2009
Aargh. Ugh. Ewwww!!!
I have had a BAD day.
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Natalie C.
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9:06 PM
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Sunday, May 31, 2009
Put it to a Vote
Which hair style do you like best on our little 6 year old Eli?
Choice A) How he's had it for a long time. This style came about because Eli's hair is the same texture as the straw at the end of the broom that you sweep with. Longer hair just always looked so unkempt on him.
Choice B) This style came about because Eli said all his friends have BANGS. Couldn't he please have longer bangs, and just keep the sides short? So we let the top grow out a bit, but it's high maintenance. No more of this rolling out of bed & straight to school. This style was my attempt to spike the bangs in the front. His hair is really thick & the gel was just not holding it up as much as I'd like, but you get the idea...
Choice C) The ever-popular faux-hawk. The past few weeks we've had to really build Eli's courage to wear this style to school. I tried to point out all the little boys with this style at church, but he doesn't completely believe me. I know he feels self-conscious. But it's cute, though, right?
Choice D) Because "longer bangs" are higher maintenance, we have been trying to teach Eli how to comb his hair by himself. He can't do the faux hawk or the spiky bangs. This is what he comes up with:
Choice E) This is not a great photo, but Chris knows how to comb Eli's hair really well. I think Chris' hair is similar texture, and he can comb it really well, like a little handsome dude. The bangs are spiked here, but just picture something a long the lines of a side part and clean cut cuteness. :)
Take the survey on the left sidebar (you guys who subscribe in a reader will actually need to come to the blog website) & let your vote count! :)
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Natalie C.
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8:59 PM
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Sunday, April 26, 2009
Quick Follow Up
I thought you all would want to know Mia had such a great couple weeks after all my worries! I think it helps that I decided to start driving her every day & picking her up. I think both Mia and the teacher somehow subliminally do better with this set-up.
Also, the one-on-one time at home is so helpful. When we don't do it, she backslides. So it's a must for her every day.
Then her little Social Skills class started last week. I think this will help because the teachers are psychologists & notice little things.
Making sure she gets plenty of sleep is ALWAYS on the checklist. Believe me! :)
Also after Spring Break, when I first brought Mia back, I talked frankly with her teacher and told her I thought Mia did better with POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT & could she keep doing that, but no more yelling. I said that yelling didn't work for us at home & next time she had problems with Mia, could she please, please be more gentle. To the teacher's credit, I think she is doing better with this. I know from experience that yelling is a hard habit to break. I also talked to the directors of the preschool and let them know that I was not thrilled about the yelling. So that's all I can do. One day at a time! But overall, I'm breathing a lot easier about it.
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Natalie C.
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1:10 PM
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Labels: Adventures in Motherhood
Monday, April 6, 2009
How Do You Solve A Problem Like Emelia?
I told my mom the following story about Mia's day in preschool the other day and she laughed and laughed and begged me to write it down... So here's my attempt! :)
- She got a treat from story time. When she got back to class the teacher's assistant asked her to put it in her cubbie. Mia said, "No. I don't have to." The assistant said, "If you don't we will take it away." Mia said, "Give me my treat RIGHT NOW!!" And then Ms. Janice stepped in & asked her to put it away and Mia said, "Ok, Whatever!" with full-on teenage flair. I think she might have had to serve a time out.
- At music, apparantly the teacher asked her to do something & Mia said, "no, I don't have to." Lovely.
- At lunch, Mia didn't like her sandwich, so she threw it on the floor. Ms. Janice asked her to pick it up. Mia looked at her and then STOMPED ON IT!!! As if to say, "Sandwich? Here's what you can do with the sandwich!" Ummmmmm Ms. Janice didn't take to that too kindly. She is pretty stern with the kids & uses quite a loud voice sometimes. She made Mia pack up her lunch to eat later at home and sent Mia to the Director's office for a BIG time out. Mia was so mad that her lunch was being taken away that she started a huge tantrum and threw her chair. Now putting on a show for the rest of the class, it went back and forth like a big power struggle between Mia and Ms. Janice. Mia didn't want to go to the office, and I guess Ms. Janice pretty much dragged her there: "You can't make me." "Yes, I can." (The stomping part is what my mom got a big kick out of. ) :)
- Well, there are toys in the office & Mia thought she was there to play. Well, Ms. Janice said the office staff reported that she sassed them, too, when they told her she couldn't play, but needed to sit in time out.
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Labels: Adventures in Motherhood
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Reaching For Hope
I just found out that my aunt died. My mom's sister, Bonnie Christensen. She was found dead in her home today. Possibly a suicide. She had attempted so many times. It’s heartbreaking news. And I find myself in need of some good news today. And I suddenly realized that the good news was my own good news. But not the Relief-Society-Good-News-Minute kind of good news. If you read blogs for that kind of news, today’s not the day to find it here.
But I have to say that my aunt’s passing prompts me to do what I already felt prompted to do, which is share my own depression story, even though it’s difficult for me. And I want to say at the outset- it has a good ending! But I have nightmare visions of friends of mine reading this and then having crazy reactions, like, “Ooh. She has anxiety disorder. We probably shouldn’t invite her to the movies.” Or “Now that I know this, I don’t want her babysitting my kids because she’s sketchy.”
I hope that my being candid can create awareness so that victims, family & friends of this ILLNESS (they really need to find a different term than depression- something like Frontal Lobe Hippocampus Cellular Atrophy) might be a little more equipped to fight it. It’s a drop in the bucket of the awareness that needs to happen. I don’t know what went wrong with my aunt’s situation. I know she was hurting so much for so many years. Because the depressive-illness monster is so personal to me, and I have had a glimpse of what she may have been battling, her loss is even more sad to me. I hate the thought of anyone experiencing the type of pain depression brings, even to a much smaller degree, and that is why I want to share this. Everyone should know that it can be overcome.
As you probably noticed, I took a break from blogging for a while, and a dear friend wrote to me out of concern & I have posted our correspondence below.
Dear Natalie,
I just recently learned that "clinical depression" is something very different from the mere discontent of people who carelessly use the words depressed and depression when life doesn't happen the way they planned it. I have friends and relatives who become "depressed" - and mean and bitter - when they work home taking care of their infants, and heal the moment their one year olds are hauled to some crowded day-nursery, women who are "depressed" when living at rent and using public transportation - and again healing immediately after getting a house and mortgage and a car. I sincerely apologize for thinking that you were one of those ladies, for I did not know that there is a real depression, and that the real depression is a chemical imbalance in ones brain, which imbalance indeed makes all seem gloomy and hopeless without the poor victim of the illness having a say. I am sorry you have to suffer such an affliction, and MAD that some vain ladies are using the same word when simply whining and covering up the weakness of character and lack of dignity!
You haven't written your blog for awhile - I hope all is well. Natalie, I think you are a real hero hanging on there and doing humbly and courageously the right things, though life truly is harder for you than for some other sisters. In my stunted little existence I have no patience and empathy for whiners, but to you I do have, and not only empathy, but respect as well.
- hanna
Hanna,
Thanks so much for your note. I know there is a perception in the world and even (or should I say especially?) in the church that if you are not happy, you are sinning/whining/not doing all you should. The past few years I have read a TON of books about depression & I get frustrated with some of those false perceptions and I have even had them before!
But at the same time, I'm definitely not upset with myself because I am working SO HARD on trying to heal. And I'm actually happy and proud of myself for doing this. It's become my hobby & is part of the reason I don't find time to blog-- because all my time, whenever I'm not taking care of my home, husband & kids-- is devoted to getting healthier, mentally & physically (which both effect each other, almost a direct correlation!)
I have been clinically depressed, and now diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder & panic disorder and also obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). When I first realized something was wrong with me, Mia was about 1 year old (but I should have realized earlier because I now remember it started clear back at the end of my pregnancy with Mia- I was uncontrollably crying every day during that 9th month), and I started getting medicine prescribed in 2005, but no talk therapy. Actually, I tried, but I wasn't satisfied with my therapist & didn't feel it was helping or worth all the money we were paying.
So the medicine- between 2005 & 2006 I tried 8 different medicines that were prescribed for me & some worked for a bit, then stopped working, and some didn't work at all. So in the spring of 2007, I gave up the medicine & went to an LDS church member therapist and she is wonderful. She helped us with our marriage (because obviously, when I don't feel well, it's hard on Chris, and it puts a strain on our family life, but things are so much better now), and she has helped me progress a lot and learn coping methods.
Plus I am doing cognitive behavioral therapy(CBT) partially via the professional therapist, but also a book called, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Revised and Updated by David Burns and that has helped me so much that I've read it twice now, and I'm reading it again, & intend to never stop until I memorize that thing! :) I read it a bit every night with my scriptures! There is research that CBT can literally change your brain chemistry almost as effectively as medicine. Also, for the anxiety, I am now trying a few herbal remedies. David Burns also has a book on Anxiety/Panic that I really need to get & see if that is as helpful as his other book was for me.
I've been spending a TON of effort on nutrition & exercise, but it's hard. This whole thing has been a dark, dark trial in my life. I've had so many priesthood blessings, I can't even count them. There is no doubt in my mind that my brain chemistry is bogged down with problems. My mom, brother & both sisters have all been on anti-depression medication at some point in their lives. And right before my dad died, he was going through a depression, too! (He died of a heart attack, luckily nothing to do with the depression.) My mom's mom, and of course, sister struggled with this.
I never wanted to commit suicide, but at some of the lowest points, I couldn't stop saying to myself over and over, "I just want to die." The emotional pain I was feeling was so strong, and like I say, I never wanted to hurt myself, but I could totally understand some people's minds who are called, "cutters," who cut themselves with razors (and there are other types of self-injury problems) because the emotional pain is so strong, you feel desperate to escape it, even enough to give yourself physical pain instead to take your mind off the emotional pain. I would feel some days such a heavy darkness around me & every thought was so negative, that I knew they weren't my own thoughts. And the most ironic part of this is that I was hiding it all from the world! I would go to church with this huge smile on my face. I was in the Relief Society presidency, having people over to my home all the time, putting on all these Enrichment activities, then coming home and crashing in secret.
And luckily, that is all in the past now. I'm doing so much better!!!!!! My "low" points are no big deal, when I think back to how it was before. Don't get me wrong, things are still hard occasionally, but at least I'm aware of triggers, and therapies. Just a month ago, something triggered a relapse into depression & I was crying in my room for 2 hours. But at least at the end of that 2 hours, I got out a notebook and started working on my CBT and I came out of it! Before, that depression may have lasted 2 weeks instead of 2 hours.
One big difference between now and the past is that before, I only got help when my emotional problems were hurting my husband or children. Now I'm getting help because I love myself & I know I don't deserve to feel that way. I'm learning that some attitudes I've had for years (like pleasing people or being addicted to love & praise or feeling guilty and mentally beating myself up & saying such mean things to myself in my thoughts or feeling like everything has to be perfect/"all or nothing"...) are no longer acceptable & I have to work on changing them.
Now I'm just working on the anxiety part of things (another good website I've been learning from is www.thehatchedegg.com). My goal is to get to the point where I'm not waking up in the morning feeling afraid, panicked & anxious for no reason (this paralyzes me & I want to stay in bed the whole day). Or I'll be saying my prayers at night & I'll start this obsessive terrible worrying about all the things I was praying for and I'll stay up all night worrying about it, all the while trying to stop thinking about that, but I absolutely can't (this is part of the OCD). Depressed peoples' brains get literally addicted to negative thoughts, and without some sort of intervention like medicine or therapy, you just keep downward spiraling worse and worse.
So I'm so happy to be getting the help I need now. Oh, also this sweet lady named Marla Cilley (www.flylady.net) is a coach to women who are trying to be better homemakers & I listen to her radio show a lot and get her emails & that is helping me, too because she is all about trying to avoid perfectionism and trying to LOVE AND RESPECT YOURSELF!!! Her nickname is FLYLady, and FLY stands for Finally Loving Yourself. Cool, huh? :)
Besides the time factor, I have to admit the anxiety/OCD, etc. is probably partially to blame for me not blogging. But feel free to follow me on twitter (www.twitter.com/tryingtofly) or (www.twitter.com/nataliecardon). I'm actually considering using this note to you as a blog post because I wonder if a lot of my friends could use an honest explanation to what's going on with me. There was such a loneliness when I couldn't share any of this. Even my mom & sister who are my best friends & know how it feels to be depressed still felt uncomfortable hearing again and again how awful I was doing for these 4 years and that I'm still struggling.
Even I hate listening to people talk about their depressions, but I find that it's not as heavy to listen to when I learn that they are actively working on getting better & not just staying in denial or showing an unwillingness to do the work that it takes to get better. And I actually think that almost everyone could work on being more positive in general and having healthier attitudes towards the world. I think everyone should read "Feeling Good." It is seriously my favorite book. :)
I know that when this is a little farther behind me & I can see all the progress I've made, I will realize what all I've learned from it and be grateful for having that trial. And even now, still somewhat in the midst of this trial, I would much rather have this than so many other things that could go wrong in one's life. I do still have such an overwhelming sense of gratitude.
Thank you for being such a benevolent friend and for cheering for me from such a long distance. :) I'm cheering for you, too, even though I don't know what all you are going through, but I know & believe that it has been tough for you, too. Thank goodness, too, that we have a Savior who knows us & loves us and that love truly never fails and will truly conquer all.
XO,
Natalie
Natalie,
Thank you for taking the time to educate me through your wonderful letter. I did not know how life consuming the illness can be! It's amazing how far you have already come through perseverance and self education and exercise!
These words of yours are so true: "Even I hate listening to people talk about their depressions, but I find that it's not as heavy to listen to when I learn that they are actively working on getting better & not just staying in denial or showing an unwillingness to do the work that it takes to get better" .
It really is not hard to stand by a sufferer - even throughout life - when you see that she/he is doing her/his very best to get better, or to manage life despite the difficulties. Your husband and children must be very proud of you Natalie : )
Now I'll go and investigate the twitter and the flylady : )
- hanna
And my husband IS proud of me. I shared these emails with him, and this was his response:
Natalie,
You are lovely, loyal, likable, lovable. I'm proud of you for all you have accomplished in the past few years.
I see the hope you display in this email and it elevates my hope and I know there will be better days.
I love you.
Chris
And the most amazing thing is that better days sometimes come sooner than you thought possible. Since I wrote this letter I have found almost a MIRACLE supplement. It has pretty much erased all my symptoms of depression, anxiety, panic & OCD. Unbelievable, I know. It may not work forever, since as I mentioned, medications tended to work for a short time, then poop out on me. But this is called INOSITOL and in the vitamin B complex. It started to work for me 5 MINUTES after I took it. It’s been about a week & I seriously feel like a new person. Completely back to myself. I’m not even kidding. I am having a great time getting reaquainted with the old me that was able to enjoy things, have a sense of humor, be in a good mood, etc.! I feel like I've risen from the dead. I almost erased the entire part of this post that had to do with anxiety because I’m not struggling with it anymore. What a blessing & a miracle. And even if it does poop out on me, I have built a foundation of knowing how to fight the anxiety & depression without medication. I have to add that 5-HTP also helps me.
If you are struggling with depressed feelings or suffering from anxiety or panic attacks, take time to educate yourself. Read articles on the internet. Read “Feeling Good.” And there are a lot of other good books out there. Here is a mini online version of a depression assessment questionnaire. You deserve to feel better. Therapists are not just for the really super ill/deranged. Get rid of the stigmas attached to therapy and anti-depressants! You wouldn’t say to your friend that has diabetes or asthma or epilepsy or something: “She has a character flaw. She shouldn’t take that medication because she has brought it on herself. If she were making better choices she wouldn’t have asthma.” Don’t say or think this about others who are depressed, and don’t say it about yourself. Depression is a real disease, and you should get help BEFORE, and I mean LONG BEFORE it gets to the point where you need hospitalization.
XO
Natalie
Finally, one last note. This blog title is inspired by a great book by two LDS women, Meghan Decker and Betsy Chatlin, that gives a great overview of depression in general, and a fantastic LDS perspective. It's called: Reaching For Hope : An LDS Perspective on Recovering from Depression
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Natalie C.
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3:28 PM
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Sunday, December 28, 2008
Happy Birthday To Me
Top 10 reasons I hate having a birthday near Christmas:
- If someone gets me flowers for my birthday, it's a poinsetta.
- Yeah, don't even talk to me about the wrapping paper & cards that I get!
- Growing up, the parents and g-parents were all out of money right after Christmas. Brother & sisters would get $20 on their birthdays, but on mine, sorry, here's $1.
- Or people do a 2-fer: here's your Christmas SLASH birthday present/card.
- Everyone is out of town when you try to invite them to your parties.
- Something about having your thunder stolen by Christmas AND New Years parties.
- No outdoor birthdays, EVER!
- You feel like you have to apologize to people for causing them stress when they thought they were done with holiday stress. (Excuse the heck out of me for being born when I was!)
- No cupcakes at school.
- Suspect people of fishing the birthday present out of the Christmas present pile. (Hey! That's probably a regift!)
Back in July of this year, the Memory Tag/Meme was going around the blogosphere. But I have saved it for all this time to do what my sister-in-law did- to use it as my birthday post. I turn 37 on Monday, and for my birthday, I am asking you to write me a memory of you and me. (i.e. like a first impression, time we were together, something funny or anything to spark my memories to come back:)) You can post them here or email it to me. It should be fun to read. Thanks, in advance.
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Natalie C.
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4:55 AM
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Saturday, December 27, 2008
The strongest back in our home
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4:37 AM
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